Thursday, January 10, 2008

Blog about Poops
(gross blog below – not suitable for all audiences)

Confounding thing poops are. Something we take completely for granted until we find ourselves:

a) stopped up like a hippo in a mouse hole
b) housing Les Chutes Niagara
c) petrified of the potty

And what do we do when we encounter someone, a friend in need, who is dealing with situation C? So many of us find ourselves ill-equipped to assist. There are a few things you can try. You can throw a party each time said friend ventures to the potty and even if part of the poop ends up in the drink. You can reward with chocolates (ironically) or stickers or trips to the local toy store. You can even keep really great books stored in the closet for successful potty poops. You could also be very upset if the poop doesn’t successfully find its way to the potty. You could throw out very pretty underwear that have met the ill-fated poop in a very intimate way. And you could make said friend watch sadly (because they really liked the pretty underwear). You could push the coffee table flush against the wall because maybe the cozy little space between the wall and coffee table made a nice alternative pooping station to the target potty. You could insist your friend not be allowed to play in her room because that can also sometimes make a nice private pooping spot.

Sometimes your friend might end up in situation A because of situation C. Then, after an appropriate number of days, you might have to administer a suppository for your friend's “own good”. Sadly, this could result in situation b. Worse than situation B (and I know it’s hard to imagine it could get worse), is an intermittent situation B (resulting in throwing out of more pretty underwear).

Sometimes, you haven’t got a clue what to do. So you decide to not talk about it with your friend. Make it a "non-issue", hoping all the while that this will lessen the pressure (with any luck, situation A will not happen again). You must be warned though, that you could wake up to anguished calls in the middle of the night after three days of situation A to find your friend sleepily curled up (bum in the air) with an escapee springing free (caught red-handed with “one foot out the door” so to speak).

So what is the solution, you ask? That question is the all-important one. And the author wishes she had the answer. She will keep you posted. Until then, be thankful for your poops and the way you throne yourself without fear.

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