Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Best Moment

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that unless you've had cancer or something as scary, you might not be able to feel a moment as incredible as the one I had today.

Two weeks ago, I heard that my cancer might have returned.  And I now know how it's treated and what that would entail. I knew about the surgery and the iodine-free diet (no dairy, no seafood, no salt, no red dye, no soy, no eggs....) and the radioactive iodine treatment and then quarantine from family and friends. I remembered the first time I'd been diagnosed with cancer.  I was side-swiped. I was completely floored. A positive biopsy test hadn't even crossed my mind. I had always assumed I'd be fine and then WHAMMO, my whole world changed. I had to suddenly stare my own mortality in the face. Worse than going through all the treatment again, worse than seeing the sadness and fear on my husband's face and my father's face, was the idea that I'd be side-swiped again.  So when I heard last Tuesday about the tests I'd be going through, I prepared myself for the worst.

I made a bucket list. I began to try to figure out how I'd recover from surgery and return to work in the spring. I wondered if I should hold off planning my daughter's first birthday party until the rest of the details sorted themselves out. I was intermittently gripped with panic in the dark hours of night. Mark held my hand a lot and kissed my tears. I tried to imagine how I'd explain to Cole that I was sick even if I didn't look or feel sick. I wondered if I'd meet my grandkids.

Also, I saw sunshine like never before. I enjoyed the bubbles in the dish water. I let Amelia sleep on my chest without resentment that I couldn't get up and do something productive. I got larynigitis and just thanked god it wasn't something worse.

Then today, the receptionist called from the doctor's office and told me the good news.  That the blood work showed no recurrence of the cancer. And my heart sang.  And I think I said, "Oh thank f_______in god!" And in that moment I felt like I was given everything back. I'm sure it sounds dramatic.  But every instant after that moment diminishes that feeling and in every minute that ticks by I will, like all humans, start to take everything for granted again, even if I try not to. But in that moment, I was just so thankful to have it all back. My future. My son's wedding. My daughter giving birth to her first child. Old and gray days with my husband. I can dream that big again because of that moment. Thank the Lord!


Ben and Maryann said...

Thank the Lord indeed!

katevp-a said...


Love you Melissa, my BFF. so glad to hear that all is well :)

Anonymous said...

love, hugs and every amount of mushy stuff! i'm going to go kiss abby, noah and dahc and thank heavens for them, for you and for soap bubbles :)

Melissa Dean said...


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