Sunday, January 28, 2007

Thoughts during a Long Slow Run on a Treadmill at 9am on a Sunday Morning

Is that man running next to me Rapunzel? (Rapunzel is a man who proudly wears a ponytail that hangs to his bum and regularly attends the Bodypump classes on Tuesday evenings. He is the reason Mark is not the only guy in the class). Is he leaning on the arm rests? You can’t lean on the arm rests. That’s cheating. Well, he’s only cheating himself. He won’t get a good workout doing that. I wonder how long he’ll keep that up.

I wish they wouldn’t show infomercials on these TVs. That thigh torsion slimming system is a rip-off at 4 easy payments of $46.95. Those women didn’t get those abs from using that machine. It’s still a rip-off, even at 3 easy payments of $46.95. I think the only reason their heart rates are going up is because they’re doing that cool slidy thing with their arms. I’m going to do that too but right here on my treadmill, so I can reap the benefits of the thigh torsion slimming system without buying it. Clever me. Their study involves showing Before and After pictures of people who used the system and dieted at the same time. Any of my grade 8 kids could tell you that that’s not a fair test because you can only change one variable at a time. Otherwise, you don’t know which variable caused the change. Idiots.

Holy cow! I never knew there was a miracle product that could make a person grow their own hair back even if they’re balding. Why don’t more people know about this? I bet the sexual side effects have to do with low testosterone. Male pattern balding is a sexually influenced trait, meaning it’s affected by hormone levels. I bet they’re altering your hormone levels. It mentions the hair cortex. I hope that doesn’t have anything to do with Cortisol. Cortisol weakens your immune system and makes your bones brittle and your teeth fall out. Ah well, as long as you have beautiful flowing locks of hair, right? I wonder if you have to keep spraying your head every day for the hair to stay? I know a few guys who would be willing to fork out some big money for that spray. Again though! Not a fair test…. I can tell they’ve dyed that dude’s hair for the After picture. Sneaky bastards.

What’s with all the Xena Warrior Princess shows on a Sunday morning? Maybe this is that Sinbad show. Common elements include: Women with bosoms busting from their tiny shirts and oddly enormous spiders that spin super-strong webs (in which aforementioned busty women become helplessly tangled). Also, good sword fights.

Is that guy next to me racing me? I mean, obviously I’m going faster (and he IS cheating by leaning on the arm rails), but does he think he can outlast me? It’s hardly a fair competition since I was running for 50 minutes before he got on, but I’m going to take that challenge just the same. Shall I glance at his speed inconspicuously? I wonder if I can pretend to be looking out the window so I can turn my head and then glance at his speed. La dee da dee da…..Just looking at the snow falling……

And finally, the ultimate debate: Does the time go faster when you drape your towel over the digital clock or does it go faster when you stare intently at it?

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