Sunday, December 24, 2006

Conspiracy Theory #1

My friend Carolyn has a puppy (Roxy) who gets very anxious when she’s left alone in the house. She cries and she whines and sometimes she shreds towels into confetti. She also tinkles with excitement whenever she greets a man. One of Carolyn’s attempts to ease Roxy’s anxiety came in the form of a small bottle of calming pheromone. You screw this little bottle of magical liquid into a dispenser, which gets plugged into the wall outlet and it radiates wonderous fumes of zen for the surrounding puppies. Curious, I read the information on the back of the box. This magical pheromone originates from mammary glands of lactating mummy dogs. Interesting. Boob sweat calms animals.

I drove Mark to the airport today. As he was getting his suitcase out of the back seat, I was holding his Tim Horton’s coffee. While driving away, I found I could still smell the Tim Horton’s coffee smell on my fingers, even though I hadn’t touched the coffee, only the cup. This got me thinking about whether Tim Horton’s coffee’s addictive properties are in the coffee itself or in the container in which it is served.

Then it came to me.
Tim Horton’s laces its coffee cups with human mammary gland pheromone.
You know I’m right.

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