Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Inner Dialogue of an Under-trained Half-Marathon Runner

What a lovely morning for a run.
I'm excited.
I'm saying witty and hilarious things to my comrades. I will start the race back here with them and then I will pass them all.

Oh is the race starting? Here we go! Let's turn on the ipod and start my stopwatch. Man, I love Burton Cummings.

Hey, Chad was right! I'm not cold once I start running. In fact, maybe winter running is better than summer running. I feel kind of FANTASTIC! I might just pass all these people. Adios, fellow 3-hour-plus runners! I may have underestimated myself. There is still some fire in this old engine yet...

10 minutes already? I don't even NEED a rest. I'll skip this walking break.

I seem to remember always being warned about starting too fast. Why wouldn't anyone want to start fast? If I start fast or slow, either way I'm going to be super slow at the end. Maybe this way I can pass like five hundred people and then just maintain my spot. I can't honestly think of a good reason not to run fast off the get-go.

Oh, jeez. Did that really just say two kilometres?! How can I only be at two kilometres! Lord help me, maybe I should have done more hills. Maybe I shouldn't have started tapering five weeks ago. Maybe I ate too many fruit explosion muffins.
I could really go for a fruit explosion muffin right now.

Quick. Must. Find. Inspiring. Song. On. Ipod.
Crap. I never actually figured out how to turn on the shuffle. Or how to turn off the shuffle. Or how to make it repeat one song over and over again. Where is WHAM when I need them?

Okay, nearly at 8 kilometres.... where is Mark.... where are my kids... I have to be upright when they see me. Must force muscles to smile.

Are those guys really running BACK already? I'm at kilometre 8 and they're at kilometre 18?  They're totally going to eat all the chilli!!

Okay, saw my kids. Now they can go home and whatever I do from here on in, it doesn't have to look dignified because I don't know these people.

Kilometre 10? 12? When the F*&Q# do I get to turn around and head back? The further we go this way, the further we have to go back!

Oh my god. That speed walker is passing me. And that one is too! Perhaps I could just start doing that. It looks easier than what I'm doing and it's an awful lot faster. I wonder if my knees and hips will move that way.

That girl with the light blue jacket that I've been following for fourteen kilometres is getting ahead of me. I need to catch her. I need to catch up. I should have asked her a lot earlier on when she aims to finish. I should have become informal buds with her. Then she'd feel obligated to wait for me. Wait up, Blue Jacket!

Oh dear. My knees are seizing up. I promised myself I would gangnam style when the song came on, but I need to save my energy. Hmmmm. What am I saving my energy for? This will make a good story...

OOOOOH, SEXY LADY....... dah...dah...dah...dah... OPA GANGNAM STYLE!!!!
Oh god, my calves are spasming. This is just like the Cosby show when Claire tried to lose five pounds in a week and she got that crazy leg cramp in bed at night. I am Claire! Except I'll be writhing on the pavement on Lakeshore at noon on a Sunday in March! I kind of wish I could spasm in the privacy of my own home.
Oooh, there's an ambulance.
A stretcher might be nice right about now....

Some famous person said if you can't run, walk and if you can't walk, crawl.
It's comforting to know that that's an acceptable option.

Better keep moving. If I take a stretcher across the finish line, I don't think they'll give me a medal.

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